Finding security in the midst of heartache

Have you ever been in that place where you know the decision you made was the right one yet your heart aches from having to make it? I have currently found myself in that place. It’s not a pleasant place to be, nor one I want to repeat for some time far from now. I realize that with the calling that has been placed on my life comes moments of sacrifice and living a life of higher standards. Isabel literally means “Consecrated or set apart to God.” How appropriate? He has called me to be set apart for Him, to follow Him and in doing so be willing to make those hard decisions that need to be made.  

After all was said and done, I called people I thought would comfort me, give me words of wisdom or advise. Instead no one was available to answer their phone. Why is it I first tried talking to people? After all the years of trusting in God to take care of my needs why wouldn’t I turn to Him first? He wants to be the one I turn to in moments of deep heartaches or joyfulness. Maybe that is why no one answered there phone. I received somewhat of a confirmation of this as I happened across a devotion.

“I AM THE TRUTH: the One who came to set you free. As the Holy Spirit controls your mind and actions more fully, you become free in Me. You are increasingly released to become the one I created you to be. This is a work that I do in you as you yield to My Spirit. I can do My best handiwork when you sit in the stillness of My Presence, focusing your entire being on Me. 

Let My thoughts burst freely upon your consciousness, stimulating abundant Life. I am the Way and the Truth and the Life. As you follow Me, I lead you along paths of newness: ways you have never imagined. Don’t worry about what is on the road up ahead. I want you to find your security in knowing Me, the One who died to set you free.” (Taken from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young)

Upon my return from Nsoko, Swaziland

For many years I have felt called to Africa. Once I accepted that calling I figured that Africa would happen sooner rather than later. After trying for over two years to get to Africa I had almost given up. There was no way I was ever going to make it to Africa with AIM. I thought that maybe if I tried going through a different organization and kept my skeletons in the closet, this time I could go for sure. And then something amazing happened. I was asked to lead a team last summer and I accepted without knowing where I was going to go. I figured it wouldn’t be Africa since I was told I wouldn’t ever get to Swaziland. The news came and Swaziland was the country in need of another leader. I ran out of the office in tears because the Lord had finally released me to go. It was definitely a journey to get there. I had to fly standby the first flight and the second the airlines weren’t allowing anyone else to check in. I couldn’t understand why getting to Swaziland had become such a feat. The moment I stepped foot on Swazi soil was amazing. Was I really there?  It was a good but hard summer and I felt like I could have done more ministry. When I returned home I had some regrets, nothing serious, just knowing I could have done more. 

 

I returned to college thinking I would stay here until I graduated so when the opportunity came for me to return to Swaziland, even for a week, I jumped at the chance to return to the land, the people and the culture I had fallen in love with the previous summer. After all, I didn’t know when I would be able to return again. As I was preparing to leave my heart was in anticipation. What would this trip look like? Will I be able to make up for my shortcomings from the previous summer? Will my heart break for those things that break the Lord’s heart or will my heart remain calloused? So many thoughts and all the Lord wanted me to do was to trust Him. Even though during the trip I fully enjoyed holding the babies, meeting with the gogos (grandmothers) and talking to some of the older kids, I was still unsure as to why I had actually returned to Swazi. By the end of the trip the Lord revealed and confirmed things in me that wouldn’t have been discovered or dealt with otherwise. I discovered that I do still have a heart and the Lord broke it many times over, I have been called apart to fight and war for those that aren’t able to, I have been equipped and empowered to break through areas where others aren’t able and in that minister to a nation full of shame and abuse. What the enemy meant for destruction the Lord has turned it around for good in bringing glory to His name. 

 

To be honest, the only reason I returned home so willingly was because I knew in just a few months I will be back there again. The Lord wrecked me beyond what I ever imagined, especially for such a short trip and allowed me to be apart of this next generation in Swaziland. Once again my world has been turned upside down, my plans have been thrown out the window and the Lord has renewed in me the urgency that is at hand for a nation and people group that is on the brink of extinction. 

I’m heading home

I’ll be home tonight. I am at the London airport waiting for my connecting flight. I will update on my trip soon (when my internet access is free). Also my blog is up (haven’t posted anything yet) at www.isabelmaldonado.myadventures.org you are able to make online donations to my support account! 

I’m Leaving on a Jet Plane…

So the day has finally arrived for me to head to Swaziland. How crazy! I’m so excited for what the Lord has prepared for our small team that will be going and I pray that we will be able to minister effectively in areas that are meaningful. (Does that sound right?) In a previous blog I wrote about I AM  boxes. This morning after working a 12 hour shift with 5 hours of sleep I found out that I will be one of 2 women heading up this ministry. AHHH was my first thought, I’m not even going to lie. I can’t function (my brain mostly) and I don’t want to screw things up. Deep breath, Isabel, you can do it. I have a little bit more time to ponder on some things cause I don’t board my big flights until later today…so for now, I sit in anticipation.

Ponders, questions and trusting

I leave for Swaziland in about 5 days. There is a lot going through my head. I recently found out that one of our leaders had some medical problems come up so she won’t be coming with us. Two of our other leaders won’t be meeting with us until the next evening. I know everything is going to work out alright, it’s sometimes just a little difficult to trust that it will. Not only have I been thinking about my upcoming time in Swaziland, with the orphans, the care points, the Gogos and with amazing people following after the heart of God, but also about life changing over the next few months. All these thoughts are just racing through my head. Are things going to work out for me the way they are supposed to? Am I able to leave my life behind again, to come back and make new friends again? I don’t like that I can’t see the bigger picture sometimes, or the outcome of things. What about finances, how are those going to work out for me? Before I leave how am I going to get all the things I need? How am I going to pay for my insurance, phone and storage when I’m not working? And then when I return I will probably not have any money to get a place to live, put gas in my car, a job…I know that God will provide, but it is still difficult to trust. Will I be a good leader? WIll I be able to lead and disciple them in a Godly way? WIll I be able to what God has called me to? So many unanswered questions. Am I willing to trust?

South Africa, here I come

After much thought and many prayers, I feel led to be a part of the leadership team in South Africa this September. It is a 9 month program for 18-24 year olds. It radically changed my life when I was a First Year Missionary (FYM) in New Zealand in 2006-2007. Things have changed a bit in how the FYM program is ran, but it makes for a more interesting time, huh? I don’t know all the details quite yet, but when I do they will be posted. I am excited for this opportunity to be in a leadership position with others serving 45 college age students seeking the Lord!

Flight itinerary

2 weeks! Woot!

Here’s my flight info if anyone is interested…
June 16 Abilene 5:45a arrive Dallas 7:45a American Airlines flight 3624
June 16 Dallas 5:30p arrive London Heathrow June 17 8:35a British Airways flight 192
June 17 London 7:05p arrive Johannesburg, South Africa June 18 6:55a BA 55
June 18 JBurg 10:05a arrive Manzini, South Africa 11:05a South African Airlines flight 799

Return:
June 25 Manzini 5:45p arrive Jburg 6:45p SAA flight 800
June 25 Jburg 9:10p arrive Heathrow June 26 7:25a BA flight 54
June 26 Heathrow 11:40a arrive Dallas 3:35p BA flight 193
June 26 Dallas 8:00p arrive Abilene 9:35p AA 3447

Lots of flying…and waiting. But I have an 11 hour layover in London baby!

More change?

Well, I guess the title of my site is right…my life is ever changing. Who knew? I wrote in a previous blog that there were a lot of changes coming my way, from a different car to a different roommate…well, things are still changing. The truck I was driving broke within the first week of me having it. So I got a newer car to drive. It broke down more times than my old ghetto car broke down… and just in the first week. I recently got that back so now I am feeling the freedom to do things again. My roommate moved out on Friday, the apartment looks so empty. It’s weird. My other roommate is supposed to be moving in sometime this week. I probably won’t be there.

Moving to a different country again is a possibility. That in itself is a huge change. My mom is moving out of the house I grew up in and she has lived in for 30 years. It’s going to be different.

Mostly just ponders and such, sorry for the scatteredness of it all.  

Thoughts on possible leadership opportunity

I’m sitting outside of my apartment, not quite wanting to go inside. I got off work about half an hour ago, I’m tired yet not sure if I want to go in and sleep just yet. I smell like old people/nursing home and it is starting to make me sick (meaning this shouldn’t be too long). 

I have recently been asked if I would help lead a group of 45 students heading to South Africa in September to be a part of the First Year Missionary program that Adventures in Missions offers. I was once a participant on an FYM team, and it seems to have been so long ago (Sept 06-May 07). Time flies. I guess I am at a loss for what to do. My heart is there. When I got that email I was super excited. I mean…spend a year in South Africa! I tried back in 2005 to go to Swaziland and I went to Kosovo. Then in 2006 I applied to go to Kenya and I went to New Zealand. In no way was I disappointed in the locations the Lord directed me to, it just wasn’t Africa. I think when many people hear about Africa they think AIDS, lions, the typical African tree and wildness. Why would someone want to go to Africa. But then there is the other side of things. I think some go to Africa to hold a little orphan, maybe take a picture with them, and feel good about what they did. What are my motives in deciding whether or not to go on yet another adventure. I feel comfortable serving others and being active with ministry. I feel out of place here at this private Baptist University where most people aren’t really even Baptist at all. I am tired of being fake, being surrounded by fake people and being discontent with where I am in life. I know that if I go, I will more than likely make a lot of people upset. I would have to put my life on hold for another year. And just when I thought I was finally getting back up on my feet. What do I do? I don’t think I have ever felt more confused than I do now. A lot of people will probably tell me, “Well what has God told you?” I don’t know. Let me go find that phone line I seem to have hidden under my bed. “Hello, God. Yeah, this is Isabel…I was wondering if you could go ahead and confirm or deny my reservations in South Africa this year. And the sooner you let me know, the better…k, thanks.” You know, for some reason I just don’t expect an answer for that. 

So needless to say, I have a lot of thoughts running through my head. WIll I be able to take a few online courses to continue with my education? How mad will my family be at me for leaving the country yet again and not graduating? (I wouldn’t be graduating any time soon any way). What about my car, my apartment, bills, my roommate I took forever to find, my friends, my church, my boyfriend, my fraternity, my job? I have left them all before (minus the bf), but this time it seems harder. Am I afraid that once I come back to America to continue in this crazy life of mine that things are going to be the same way? I think that is part of my fear. I know the struggles I went through in even making it to this point of the little relationship I have with God. It used to thrive, I was so alive, so eager to learn and experience Him in amazing ways. And now praying is an afterthought, church happens if I’m in town, fellowship might happen if I don’t have to work the next day. AHHH. I am so tire of living for everyone else. When will I get to the point of living for God and what he wants me to do?

Maybe this isn’t as short as I thought it would be. The point is, I could be going to South Africa for a year as a leader. I am scared, frightened even. But I am excited too. I don’t know what the Lord has planned for me, and even though I want it to turn out one way, I am afraid it won’t. I NEED CONFIRMATION!

3 Weeks and counting…

It is a mere 3 weeks until I get to hop onto plane after plane after plane and finally arrive in Manzini, Swaziland. But even then I will not be at my final destination. Even still, I am excited about going. I know I have said this multiple times, and I know I will continue to say this many more to come. But when your heart is set on something so amazing and so urgent, one almost has nothing more to be excited about than having God totally wreck your world.  (Something most people don’t want to have done to them in their lifetime). I realized that I don’t want to be an apathetic Christian that sits back when I know there is more out there, when I have experienced more, where I have seen more people in such desperation than anything I have seen in America.

This past week I experienced something a lot of people haven’t. Since I am working towards my CNA certification, I have to do clinicals and work with nursing home residents. When I came into the Alzheimer’s Unit on Friday my instructor told me to come into one of the rooms. I had no idea what was in store for me. She stated that the resident was about to die. Her body had already began showing the stages of dying and she had labored breathing. As I was looking at her I noticed that as she was lying there, she held a baby doll in her arms. Her family had been informed of her health status and yet she was still alone. As the morning progresses I knew that she was going to die. How was I going to respond to this situation when it came around? Was I going to be able to handle this or was I going to go into shock? I didn’t know. It was about lunch time when my instructor asked me again to come into the room. I went in and she was breathing her last breaths. First only 6 respirations in a minute, then only 3 and finally she took her last breath. The nurse stood there with her stethoscope unable to hear a heartbeat. I touched her cold body and was full of mixed emotions. I didn’t know this woman yet this was a strange situation.

In Swaziland families deal with death on a daily basis. The life expectancy is only 33.2 years! As Americans we view our 30s as a time when we have finally settled on a career, have a house and family and have many years before having to deal with the thought of death. How can one survive knowing that you could die from AIDs in a few years. Most don’t know their grandparents, some not even their parents. How do I go and allow myself to minister to the people of Swaziland when there is death all around me? Will I become numb to the pain of pouring myself into people just to see them survive just a few more months? I don’t want to become numb to this yet at the same time how many times can one’s heart break?

Some people ask why I want to go to a country that is so full of hurt, poverty and despair. I can’t give them a reasonable answer. All I know to say is that God has called me to love on people that others don’t want to love on. This is why I can’t control my excitement that I have in going to Swazi in 3 weeks.